The one thing I want….

Filed in Keepin' it Diva , THE BABBIES , THE HDIC 4 comments

Lately I've been thinking about the things that I want… If I had said that out loud  to you, I would have screamed the I part of that sentence. Like HOWLED that shit… Cause I keep shortchanging me and all the other folks in my life just follow my lead. I do think they are shitty for doing that to me but I am the SHITTIEST for doing this to MYSELF! Cause as RuPaul will tell any 6'0 hairy ass dude in a dress, and shockingly flawless makeup and ME :  "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love someone else?"

Does that real explain away the recent influx of shitty behavior by the people that I love? Well yes and no. Like maybe if I loved myself properly they will take my lead, love me better and then I will be able to love them better, as well. Who knows? But in an attempt to love myself more I can't lose…. So I'm with it.

I've been asking myself what does this ball of fabulous named Senam really really want? Some shit I want I can' fix. Like real talk the first thing I thought was I want to go back to 19 year old Senam and tell her to do EVERYTHING different cause she was at a great great risk of fucking EVERYTHING up. 

But err uh… My ass is 30 years old. and that was a mere 11 years ago. And not for nothing, I have no large clock, no kicking Delorian, and the real tragedy of it all no Doc Brown aka Christoper Lloyd in my life so there with be none of this:

So what I've decided is… Why not just fix what's not working with 30 year old Senam instead of being all pissed that 19, 20, 21, 22, and so on Senam mad these supposedly "HORRIBLE" decisions that have put 30 year old Senam in to her current predicament?  Cause it so much easier to be pissed off at old senam and pity New Senam by eating Oreos, buying elastic pants and pouting the days a way cause "its alll fucked up now… What's the point?"


Well the point is… I don't want 40 year old Senam to be pissed of at 30 year old Senam for all the shit that she could have done to fix everything.  And I DEFINITELY don't want 14 year old Solstice and 11 year old Cassius and Clay pissed off at me for not creating the best me so I could be uber fab for them. 

So the very thought of fourty year old Senam or hell 31 and 32 year old Senam is enough to kick this terrific thirty in to gear. I'm sooooo good at bringing the best out of other folks. Ask Vice president Husband. But now its time to bring out the very best out of Senam…. But first I have to really and truly figure out what Senam wants…

Well uh DUH! That's cake! ( NO I don't want cake although cake is delcious. I mean, cake as in, easy.)  I know exactly what I want! I want…. Ummm Well clearly I have always wanted…. The one fabulous thing that I want that will fix everything that I'm unhappy about is…..  :blank stare:

I have no idea…

Well I don't… How am I supposed to choose the one thing I want to do say, think, be for the rest of my life….

:Fourty year old Senam just texted me a picture of a middle finger and asked me to re-read that last line:

:Texts Fourty year old Senam a picture of TWO middle fingers and goes back to re-read:

:Text Fourty year old Senam a picture of a smiley face and gives her a virtual High-5:

How am I supposed to choose the one thing I want to do say, think, be for the rest of my life. 

UGH!

I always do this to myself. I think if I just have, do, get, be this ONE THING everything else will magically fall into place… So when the one thing doesn't work, everything (and I mean everything)  falls apart…

Its too house of card-y for me. And why to I have to be ONE THING for the rest of my life? Why can't it be okay to want something for right now, work at achieving the goal and then evaluate what about it fits and what doesn't and then make changes and plans according to that? And how could any ONE THING be all that I'll ever need and want?

Posted by Admin   @   21 April 2010 4 comments

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4 Comments

Comments
Apr 22, 2010
12:24 AM
#1 Luigi :

I know it's hard. I think I'm still in that phase of my life also when you want to get something yet you don't really know what it is. Figuring it out is the hardest part.

Apr 22, 2010
2:47 PM
#2 busybodyk :

Picture a mini busybodyK around 18 years old feeling defeated about her choices. In came Dad to the rescue. He told me what nobody else did. He  told me that I didn't have to chose what I wanted to be for the rest of my life. He told me I could change my mind any time I wanted. I would have to make some changes and deal with it but I would be okay. It was the BEST advice my dad ever gave me.  It helped me step outside the box and do what I really wanted. Its also why I'm working toward changing my career path now. I have no issue with starting a new career in my 30s. Its okay not to be "settled". What does that mean anyway? I'm good on that because it sounds boring as hell! So chose your next card. If the cards fall, pick them up and start over. Your family will help you and admire you for your courage to be you and you'll be AIGHT!

Apr 27, 2010
2:16 PM
#3 Dee Dee :

I want it all. Yup, I'm greedy like that. And I say as long as you put the work into it, you and, everyone deserves the world and all God has in store. So forget one thing and be all you can be. Kinda like the army. Okay, I'll stop now. LOL!

Kendra dropped some great knowledge btw, as usual. Dr. Kendra you go girl!

Jul 22, 2010
7:45 PM
#4 ShortCake :

I go in and out of the phase. Now I made up my mind and start going after things I would like to do.

Do you think sometimes people don’t know what they want bcuz they did so much.

Like Dee Dee stated being greedy and its okay. Well pont Dee Dee.

Bear one think in mind.
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for.

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