Or ugh… Too many things are fucked up…
Sooo I've been on autopilot in so many ways the past few months… Really some days it feels like its too hard to keep standing. I think something about me and the first quarter of this year were not in agreement. Thats hard for me cause I really wanted this to be a fantastic year. But really that ain't saying nothing cause everybody goes into every year wanting it to be fantastic…. I mean, are there people who on the first of the year say… Man, I'd love for it to be fucked up around this joint til about Mid-April…
So let's see these are the happenings and life shattering realizations I'm working on…
Daycare tragically didn't work out for us right now... Financially it wasn't do able so… its not being done. I feel bad saying this but that really took the winds out of my sails a bit… I just had gotten my whole mind set to no longer be a stay at home mom. But alas that is what I am once again… Well that is just on aspect of who I am at the present time. But for the about 2-3 weeks that I did have daycare it was lovely. The kids did good there and I did great here. Now we are all doing great together… I'm shaking it off and embracing full SAHM-dom…
Let see, My step-children are hitting puberty and tragically their mother has not and probably WILL NOT. You'd think at the ripe old age of 40 folks would like to be grown but tragically that ain't the case here. There is SO much more to say but I will let God and the Universe handle it.
The Alchemist might be the greatest book ever written. Really I could write 80 paragraphs explaining to you the unmitigated kick assiness but…
just click that link, buy that book, get you a blanket, something delicious to drink and a few hours with nothing to do but read that book and you'll get it. I will accept flowers, cards, candy, and CASH as a thank you for putting you on. Your Welcome!
Fighting over rice is ridiculous and I love my brother more than words can express. So my mom is living with my brother and his wife, and its not working out at all. Currently the arguement is that the rice that my mother makes stinks. Not Jambalya. Not Dirty Rice. Just plain white rice with butter and possibly salt. So of course, my mom has to make the rice every chance she gets… LOL but I just think that someday when life is over and all the rice has been cooked BOTH of them will realize the sheer ridiculousness of this and wish that both had been kinder and more understanding of each other. Cause its sad. Do you know that saying, when two elephants fight the only one who truly suffers is the grass. Meet my brother or as I have now directed Solstice to call him: Uncle Grass. My poor brother is suffering. I can't imagine what he is going through. But even still in the midst of all the madness he still was available to threaten to put his foot in MIchael's ass when neccessary. I love him. I've tried to organize a sort of mama share where my mom comes to stay with us half the time and them half the time. But she wants to live in tha suburbs, and I live in the city, she's disabled and can't work to get her own place, and I can't afford to get her one…. and Jesus-be-a-fence.
Watching my mother go through this has triggered something in me. I don't want this for her… but the real thing it triggered is I don't want that for me.
Being on stage in front of a crowd feels like home. Michael and I went to a event hosted by my gorgeous friend Cara who is fucking gorgeous and even MORE fucking talented ( I know what you are thinking, "Senam, I didn't know you had a twin named Cara" Well Cara hosts a night for storytelling here in a very hip artsy part of town that I used to frequent before Babygate 2006 and it sequel Babygate part Deux (subtitle: Buy One baby, Get One Baby free.)
So we got an invite and Michael told me he was going… Which was his sort of way of asking me if I wanted to go but not really asking me if I wanted to go cause God Forbid that he has to be the one to make the babysitting. life, date night, or show my wife some kind smidge of fucking appreciation for all of her kick-assery arrangements. Naw can't be none of that… So he says to (or snarls at) me, "Cara's story shit is this Thursday. I'm going, What you going to do?" I must have looked at him like my name was Miss Celie:
"Til you do right by me"
LOL! Cause after he saw my face he tried to clean it up a bit and said, "I'm going, wanna come?" So, I said a little prayer for God to guide my African tongue to not go to the west side of Ghana on his Jewish ass.
So when I opened my mouth all that came out was, Shalom.. LMAO! No I didn't. I said sure. Thanks for the invite.
But then he got snotty and was all like well I'm not coming to pick you up, you gotta meet me over there, who you going to get to babysit, and all this blah, blah, blah… Which brings us to a second mini-revelation from the first few months of the year: My husband is kind of a dick. These past couple of months have been an experiement in dickdom… And not the good kind. LOL
Along with that realization came this one….
I picked his ass.
And in front of my mama, God, and all them random folks he invited to our wedding I swore I would love him even when he was unlovable. So on days when he is being a dick and I can't remember why it is exactly that I picked him… I do remember that I did pick him…
But lets not be crazy, i will whoop his ass if he keeps this shit up… In the immortal words of the great country folk artist, Tupac, " I'm not a killer but don't test me" And no I'm not going to go into all the details of the dickdom.. But I will say he aint on not Tiger Woods-ery or no Mike Tyson-ism cause 1. You would have seen me and him on TV cause unlike Elin I would have put that golf club right UP HIS ASS and 2. Bitch please! But really its the kind of stuff that if I rehash all the details will just piss me off more and have some of ya'll crazies (this means you FEE) tryna catch flights… And you know how it goes, eventually I'll forgive him but if I tell my girls they never will…
I do think he is just having a hard time adjusting to the new job, a big brithday, and is a man. So I'm trying D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E-L-Y not to drop kick his ass… For the time being.
Anyway where was I? Applause is nice, Dick-y husbands are not. Yea, so the name of the show is Grown Folks Stories. And it was awesome. Really just free form study in fabulous. Basically, everyone who wants to puts their name into the bowl and when your picked you come up and tell a story. One girl sang a song, but for the majority it was a bunch of funny and emotinal stories about "that one time".
So my mom was here after APOCALYPSE RICE so she was there to watch the kids and I got all dressed up and gorgeous. A cute little denim dress with those hidden pockets, a cute little shrug, fab heels, and of course my ever present flower in my hair. I looked good. But when I came out the room my mom told me I needed to go to dressing school cause I needed to learn how to dress myself. According to her I always make myself look ugly. Sigh. I know its not true, I know she's in a shitty situation and always treats me like this but even at 30 it still sucks. A lot. But I shook it off cause 1. I know its not true 2. cause even though she does mean it that way she doesn't mean it that way. Its just a way of trying to control me cause she can't anymore and 3. Keepin it diva means Keepin it moving even when somebody throws a roadblock in your way. So I kept it moving. Turns out Michael actually needed me to pick him up. I stopped to get gas and 3 (count 'em 3) different dudes tried to holla. One of them was toothless but hey it was nice confirmation that I looked nice even though Captain Hater said otherwise. Michael thought I looked cute too.
I don't know why I didn't think about it before but when we got there and I saw everyone in the circle and one person up there with a mic, it occurred to me that it had been about 4 years since I'd been on stage.
Do ya'll know? In my former life, I was a performer…
*me at 22 singing at a fundraiser for HOWARD DEAN" Yup that was a long ass time ago*
I was a poet. I take it back.. I AM a poet, a singer and a fantastic performer but for some reason this motherhood, wifedom, thing made me stop writing the words… There's something to that…. but this is just one post for christ-sake.
Anyway, when they asked me if I wanted to go I said no with the QUICKNESS! LOL! But inside I wanted to… I needed to. Like being in that room let me know, I needed to be reminded of that version of Senam… Cause I'd forgotten all about her.
To be completely honest, I've been really dick-y to her… She be calling me and shit and I don't even pick up the phone… I don't return her calls. She tried to take me someplace so we could talk and I took her keys from her. I got caught up in some bullshit that some super wack folks told me about Old Senam so I got it all twisted. So Old Senam was pleading with me to love her and treat her good, and I told her she didn't matter to me anymore, that I didn't need her, and Ididn't love her…
So yea… I been tripping… Anyhoo standing there watching these folks go, and the audience laugh, and clap and enjoy the offerings… I remembered something about the Alchemist and I motioned to Cara that I'd like to tell a story.
So then I had to take a moment and try to sweet talk Old Senam to please talk to New Senam cause even though New Senam been dogging her out it was only cause New Senam was trying to figure herself out but real talk New Senam ain't shit with out Old Senam cause Old Senam is was and always will be "tha SHEEEETTTTT"
For a few minutes there, Old Senam was looking at New Senam like:
*Get this old Beady Eyed crackhead up off of me!*
But thankfully New Senam got some act right, apologized, and pledged to never mistreat Old Senam again. Old Senam understood that New Senam had a whole different life and responsibilities and all kinds of fabulousness so Old Senam needed to be respectful of that and figure out someway to work with New Senam cause New Senam was pretty amazing as well, but she needed Old Senam to support her to full fabulousity.
So when Cara got on the mic and said… "You ready, Senam?" New Senam yelled, NO (for real ya'll that trollop said that shit out loud!) But Old Senam Grabbed New Senam's hand and together they went up there, grabbed the mic….
And can I be honest… Me, Myself, and Old/New Senam KILLED IT! It was great…. I WAS GREAT! That night filled me up in a way that I didn't even know I'd been missing. I did great, everyone laughed, and clapped and hooted, and they were all into the story… Its a good story too… One day I'll tell ya'll… But not today… Cause I'm tired.. and cause I'm about to go to sleep. Cause I'm about to snuggle up to the less dick-y version of Michael that is here today who just came up to me and kissed me and told me he loved me, out the blue for no reason.
Cause in the immortal words of the great Elton John… I'm still standing better than I ever did… looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid…
Cause I'm still standing yea, yea, yea… I'm still standing, YEA, YEA, YEA….
Stay Fierce, Fabulous, and STANDING,